New job: I don't know what's gonna happen, I never do I love the color of your eyes. I hope that you do to. The make up like butterflys wing on femine eye. the peacock feathers in the early morning light. The thunderstorm we had when the heavens oppened up. The three jewls the eight fold path, the 5? precepts. THE FOUR NOBLE truths. Meditation tai chi, rock n roll, swimming running? weights. Girlfriends day dreams cats in the summer sun, trees we must never forget trees, the heron and the crow, ah the damn sea gulls so far from the shore. I've got to get moving now on to the next bit.

going out on a mini-mind trip

the dream of the black sea, radar stations on dark sands
profunctory buildings vines and washing lines.
the rumble of the train the darkness of the water.

good to find myself back here doing this. met a cool guitarist from a band called connil the other day. he was a recovering alcholic, and he had that vulnerable egoless stillness that you find, with people that have stood and looked down over the edge and survived. a real charming aimiable person. so much so that i went to see his band play tuts. I missed most of thier set however because I was in the verity talking with a couple of guys about life the universe and everything. but overall the feeling was one of travell. we talked about the contrast of the sad downtroden demenour of the folks of paisley against the grand architecture that sourounds them. one of the guys was going from the south of france on a yaght to scandinavia jammy bastard. real cool guys though, both taurians, i always seem to get on with my own kind. or just folks who have stuff in common with i guess. thier not everywhere, but usually for at least a second or two each day we get to see the light.

three things

Hey, three things to be thankfull for

the church that I discovered near paisley university.
the conversation I had with the dude at the gym
the enjoyment i got out of playing guitar.

Big shout out to the natural justice of the interior

Why do some get to be kings?
Let me plot a course to paradise
Let me laugh with you in the endless sun
Let the waterfall of selfless control take us on a heart jumping fun ride
The safety of the garden, for the security of the universe
When will ghettos turn into the homes of all the human family?
Take a little interest in the sundaes and the ice cream
The warm velvet interior runs its course through your cities of self doubt
Tall and chrome flat and long swimming pools
Why do some get to be kings?
Its beautiful bravado, the grace of a tall acceptance, as the panther stands his ground
The velocity of your thoughts and actions, fly 5, 000 yards in a single breath
leave your heart under heaven.
The reels of cartoon memories, sweet waves of candy cultured endless justice.
You don’t have to wait till it comes, it’s already hear
That fast lane with wind rolling its fingers through your hair

life is being missed, but not always

Not the best day on earth. Perhaps not the worst. Flikin through myspace pages, seems souless. Never really understood the cool thing, my heart ends up dripping blood from my sleeve, their fine, they just don’t give enough soul. Which begs the question what am I looking for, I forgot today seems like pornography and sandwiches and t.v. oh well. Maybe I’ll go for a swim try and shake of some of this dwam. Love to all

love to all

Ran in to john fletcher. He's a teacher now.He had to give a kid a punishment exercise, the kid through it in the bin. that was his story for today nice old john. Asked if he wanted to for a quick one. he refused, asked for his new number, the pen would not write on the paper. "the gods are against us, he says" I've no more energey for john i'm afraid. What I do have energey for is this writing class tonight, not so much to become a writer, but just to get out with new people. Some of them seemed alright to me, very open. wanting to make a go of it. Nice to be around. Those that want to get out of the house. it's 4:30 right now it starts at seven I'm choking for a pint. or some form of interaction. Found out my course out at paisly was statrting not on my birthday but on the 19th. Again we'll have to see what it holds. I just want to let go of the past, do some new things and meet some new people. I've been walking around singing a lot with my ear phones in, it's been good, I still have some fear, but it seems to be less marked than before. I guess I should just stay in the moment as much as I can. May I be happy may I be well, may I be free from suffering. May you be happy may you be well may you be free from suffering.

the perfect swimming pool

we lavish them with sweets. we lift them high in to the summer sun. Thier ours and we are gonna do this right. Not for one second will we forgett how much we love them. Not even through the dark pressures of a january afternoon. The sun of May will be with us always. It's when they touched our lives. a loft again toward the chery blosom may sunshine. We vow never to return from public houses in a coocon of broken pity. These ones will walk on grass without glass. All in time they will hear of the dark, menace of the rooks caw, and the embitered sunless glow of the tv tan. Not from our hands though. But we will make mistakes. let thier lives be filled with beaches, hill sides, light, and the california blue of the perfect swimming pool.

head turrning like a tumble dryer budhha

Thoughts and feelings are weaving novel patterns today. As they do everyday.I have a bit of the old unsettledness goin on, but a general over all feeling of things, being alright, exiting, full of life. unsettledness, exitement, fear, hope, anticipation. I'm away in the past and the future quite a lot. chewing over the whole finbar thing, part pf me wants to come up with an overall, easy answer resolution. of I was right to do what I did or I was wrong to do what I did. I'm not gonna get a yes or no. I have to just feel the uncertainty I guess. The uncertanties about, they keept me restless last night, as I meandered from city to city within my mind. Hey may I be happy, may I be well, may I be free from suffering. If anybody else can see this may you be free may, may you be well, may you be free from suffering

I heal and move on

Spent yesterday in one of the most dark hangovers i've felt in quite sometime. had a fall out with my friend finbar the night before, which was sadly long overdue. In short we are not living up to each others expectation of what it like to be a friend I gave him an ear full. People in the pub told us to be quiet. He took off. It really hurts that I've done this. I do feel regrett, but it is also difficult to continue with the wounds of carrying on a friendship that is long past it's sell by date. If that wasn't enough I also was at a rockabilly club, It I lost it, started telling everybody at the top of my lungs how boring they all where and how unrock and roll it is. I was totaly gased. Things could have gotten out of hand but they didn't. thanks only to the grace of god . The thing is I think through all my collapsed and distorted perception I was picking up the feeling of an even older friend who at times I feel just left me in the dust when I needed him most. He used to go to nights like this, art school openings, goth nights. Things I feel that could often be sexy and mysterious, but a few years ago I realised that thier is very little behind the facade. The styles don't suggest a gate way to a profounder truth it's just style. This as not upset me for a long time, but I guess that I still wish thier was smoething thier. It's only the inside and not externally where these profound truths, and eureaks can be experienced. I forgott that in quite a marked way. I just really want to let go of the past 10 years heal and move on. Lessons learned: I don't know. I think I'd like to check in with a councellor, and see where I'm at. Despite these two deeply unpleasnt experinces. The night was not a total blow out I feel really close to my familly at the moment it was great fun. My parents and my brother are the some of the kindest people on the planet. I'm so lucky

tv, friends, memories and politics

watchin the taliban on the tele. Suicide bomber preparing to go do the business. wow the music is amazing arabic with the reverb turned up to 11. yes I pray for peace for all men when I'm at my best or worst depending on which side of me is doing the comentary, but that is beautiful music real heart music. Anyway, missed my writing class last night. Hung over, could not be arsed. Hope I fell more up for it next week. I don't really feel like doing very much when I've got a hang over, but it sure is fun getting drunk. Just had wee feeling that the spirt of my friend Mike entered the room. He loved a good drink, we both did. I still do.I miss him. A mental picture of the drive way of his home in Philipeans, followed by a thought of the smooth summer tarmac of his childhood house in Doylestoen PA. The ramp he built out the back in the woods, the trips in to philly...Torries took a lot of seats down south Boris might be mayor, Rangers are in the final of the UEFA Cup. The wheels of the cosmose are turning. Some will be happy some won't. Constant change is hear to stay. personally I'm glad things are changeing. It means that Scotland may find even more momentum to go it alone. National conciouness could change to something different, hopfully more upbeat everyone with a feeling of greater contoll of thier own destiny. News now talking about the olympics, Christ China, I think they view the world differently than we do, in a good and bad way. I mean it is the home of the tao, which is great that the subtle energies of just being alive is cellibrated, on the other hand,
tibet, olympics, economics, makes me gulp what will become of it all. anyway its a woderful spring evening, a nice cup of tea, tele, I wonder what's on.....

Refelections on faith with the time being

Thought provoking stuff as always Mr. Kilbey. My views don't entirely disagree entirely with Richard's. The moment now is all we have. This is usually just a theoretical understanding but occasionally I think that I am able to reside in it for real. As a creative person, you, I’m sure understand this. Their are times when it sounds to me like you are just being, the intellect is not fussing over anything, creativity is just happening. As far as the great beyond I don't know, I'm guessing Christ, it's what I grew up with. But, I must say the teachings of the Buddha helped me to become a better Christian, if you know what I mean. Christianity puts the cart before the horse a lot "you know should really be like this". The teachings of the budhha have given me a bit of a road map of how to become a better person. To me the whole point about the dharma is not to worship Buddha. It's about the tools of the teachings, Buddha saying: check it out have a look, see if these things work for you. May we be happy, may we be well may we be free from suffering.

Only me stops me, so I set myself free

Faffing about on the internet but feeling good. Thinking about music, about the enjoyment that I get out of playing, had a really good time with the amp up and on yesterday. Was ready to do it with the ear phones on, then bro walks in does his usual one word sort of thing “why?” as in why put the ear phones in. “well I didn’t want to disturb…”. Only me stops me, so I set myself free. It was true pleasure I love to play the guitar, I don’t mind singing but I love to play the guitar. Had a real good time looking at you tube last night. Dokken, Heart, Ace freely, Wow not overly self conscious this stuff a bit toe curling at times, but there is a good flow to it. life is for having fun, celebrate your existence.
My bro did a good acoustic thing this week. It was like gold afternoon fix but a bit more upbeat, yeah good stuff.

up the hills

It’s half 10 and a rain storm is happening. The kids at the school are going crazy, cause their getting, wet. I was up the hills with daddy yesterday the sun was shinning and we a talked about the usual stuff about me getting a job and politics. Unusually however we talked about poetry. It’s not a first, but it did seem kind of novel. Someone had taken a plastic Chinese laughing Buddha, and stuck it on one of kerns that guide the way along the path. He was smiling down on the good folks of Lenoxtown. We paused a little pause a silence that was only punctuated by lark song. The whole day Lark Ascending was going through my head. The hills were fill of ewes and their lambs; I made a joke about various inhabitants of Lennoxton being Hybrids of sheep and humans. Dad laughed a genuine laugh. It was a good day.

I have a good mother and father

Ok doke my family, that which has often seemed the centre of my troubles has also been their to pick me up from the street when I’m feeling like road kill. When the world is a lightless compassionless place, yes my brother mother and father are the first to get it in the neck. However I do love them very much. For years I have tried to break free from what I sometimes perceive to be the “grip” of my family. A struggle for absolute independence when I would be sitting on splendid Italian mountain top with a beautiful and dutiful Italian girl with beautiful feet and beautiful eyes. She would say “you know Colin, you can never make a wrong move in my eyes everything you do is right you have achieved all there is to achieve you are the best” I would take a deep invigorating breath and take a sip my Amoretto.
Well it hasn’t happened yet, but what has happened is that although my life has been less than perfect, my family have overall scored a good 75 to 90 percent. Both my parents had parents who when all was said and done kinda didn’t really give a fuck about them. My folks set out to things differently and they achieved it. They always had time for their kids. My brother and I where pretty much their priority. I like times like this when I am able to be thankful for what the universe has dealt me. In the midst of my uncertainties about employment, money and careers, I’m glad that there are three other people who all in all want what is best for me.

catch the last laugh home

Good morning. I can only say that it is those idol times when I am alone in bed that cause me the most grief. The past jumps up in the form of an ex girlfriends face or I dwell on the actions of a shitty work coluage. I begin to chew on all the wrongs that I can find. Nothing seems to be an appropriate distraction. All the tunes on the zen player evoke memories that, are just plain fuckin annoying, and the radio and tele are not up to the job either. right maybe 4 sandwiches i'll do it it, or a quick wank. anything to take me away from the dull pain of existence. I here that dissatisfaction is something that I just have to live with. That we all have to put up with various forms of shit. Well peace out my fellow sufferers

Response to a childhood hero

I wrote this to Steven Killbey's Blogg. I think that this guy has affected my vocabullary outwith my parents and my peers, more than any other artists on the tele, in music or in books. The word paradox was a song title of his. I remember my dad at roughly around the time that I learned this word was using a soft ware system called Paradox 123. I said "what's the pardaox thier then." He said something along the lines of "it's easy to use but it does complicated things." My dads a clever bastard lol. I think that Killbey is also interested in the sound of launguage and the way that it rolls of the tounge, the images it makes the poetics. me to I am a bit of a word fetishist, but I love music just as much so the world he creates has hooked and fed a big part of my imagination.
In short he rocks http://stevekilbey.blogspot.com/

Yeah, It can really be exacerbating when we realise the men at the top are being driven by power on a level that I, at least find hard to comprehend. Power that has a blatant disregard for human life and puts ambition above all else. Either because the politicians start out with good intentions or are just natural born Machiavellis.
I don't know why we end up ripping the shreds out of each others guts in sustained international initiatives.
I know that I can lose my temper, but how can a country sustain an aggression against another for years and years. It's odd. Well it’s not that odd, I do understand the internal cycles of bitterness and anger that can last a lot longer than I could want, and these feelings can incinerate anything they touch. But for some reason the lightness
returns, when I pick up my guitar or when my pals make me laugh, or go for a swim or give up smoking, or just be with the bitterness and the anger rather than run away from it

The Darwinist, Freudian within me says that maybe it’s about something not within our kenning about genetics, and stuff like that gives the men at the top the full on war fever. The triumph of one over the other. J. G Ballard (I think he’s the “masculine” side of Carter) has pointed out that this veneer of respectability that we have in the west hides a deep rooted repressed aggressive nature that is just waiting to come to the fore when the flimsy stage set of modern western life is pushed aside. The place were unexplained fears and anxieties reside

The Buddhist the Christian, the One who feels within me says that no man war is about framing life in a way that it just does not have to be. We are all connected on the subtle strings of life. May we all be happy may we all be well? May we all be free from suffering? Let us please at least try to take care of each other. However I do think that the planet itself: all the rocks, trees, animals and sky and things, Is probably a bit sick of the lot of us. It sighs to itself “why can’t these silly buggers sit still and stop doing stuff, and just give it a rest for a while.”

Thanks as always Mr. Killbey for sharing your ideas. They certainly have made my life more interesting. I just heard the Isidore stuff wow what energy, It absolutely nails it.

fluxuating heart anticipaption

Anticipation seems to be the order of the morning. Awake feet on the floor coffee, toast, shower, turn computer on. Check various news websites for something intesting but not to heavy. It's slightly over cast, I can hear that it has rained as the cars woosh through a thin sheet of water. No light in the sky. The energy within hovers from anxiety to anticipation and back again. I'm waiting to hear about a course offered at paisly: microsoft desktop tecnician it's a bit of a departure for me. It will be a challenge. I feel like doing this as it is a differnt than the sort of social worky things that I have done. Who knows what will happen. I'm also starting tonight a practical guide to free lance journalisim, also a bit different. Not entirly sure how I arrived at the decision. Mostly to do with, scanning the net and seeing what was available to do. I must admit if I don't try new stuff I'm probably not going to get off this couch. But eventually wether it's seasons change or something that subtly moves within the world calls me back to be part of it. May we be happy may we be well

just a litttle ramble for a day

a moment of tightness and distrust. Just a moment mind. not a whole day or even a wee ten minute dwam. Just a moment. Men, the stand off that we all have with each other. Friendship real frienship through these momentary stand offs. It is possible it can't be beat when it happens. When I was a kid half of my class at school would come to my birthday parties. It is not that way now. I have spent more than one summer in the swamp of distrust. I know it all to well. Probably with good reason too I found myself in that place. the cynical but idealistic punk rock teenager turns to the bitter carved in stone adult hood abosolutes of what I like and don't like, what is tolerable and what sends me in to a rage. Haveing known a bit about this for a while I have found some relif in the ideas of person centered councelling: the acceptance of self the bright shiny bits and the parts that seem to have little to be celebrated. The way those to seeming oppsistes seem to be at odds with each other the way they work together. The artists that celebrate and curse this bitterness, the ideas of the budhha that sit with this bitterness. Life

Bureaucracy, Sunshine and The Sea of Love

Another appointment at the dole office had to change the type of benifit I was on. here's me thinking this i'll be realativly straight forward, it was ultimatly, but not with out it's degree of shananigans, in my slightly but not overly headed head and form the unhelpful lady behind the desk. I managed to keep my cool and complete the form. In the end, that's all that matters. did a bit of food shopping tried to chose foods properly protien and carbs. had a small lunch. Boring detials. I know. Although I am often inclined to induldge in the big existential questions that get me trotting round a labarynth of paradoxes, I also relish the days where I am intent on keeping it simple. I do wonder whether I have much choice in keeping my life lite and breazy. Indeed, sometimes the anchor of my angst can pull the whole ship down to the depths of ole' davy jones locker. Hangging out with crazy creatures that have to make thier own light to find thier way around. Anyway keep it simple and the ideas and actions flow a bit easier. Thats my feelings on board the good ship Today.

I can here the lady down stairs playing dubusey down stairs. and my brother playing a stoner bass line in the other room. culture clashes, like bids competeing in the trees. incedentally the birds ouside are adding thier tupance worth. puntuating all musical sentences. slides mistakes hurried takes its the mid afternoon muisc of escape. My bro works from home grabs the odd minuate here and thier to jump in to the draggon emroidered flares of master Jimmy Page. The lady bellow although I can not be sure teaches music from her home. It is a delite to here a string quartet floating through the floor takeing me away from the dwam of the six o'clock news.
now it's magpie, piano, seagull, and bass guitar,
a din but the din of life being lived
wait a minute now shes playing chopin, my fave

wow. My first blogg. This will be interesting. After having put this one off for a couple of years try 5. I have now thought hey today is the day. That's the end of the easter hols here in glasgow. This makes very little differnce to my as I am a full time poet, a layabout, doley, a man of leiusure. No matter how you slice it I am a non worker at the moment. I can catch the matinee, or stare endessly in to the void of existence either way the chioce is mine. Cup of tea anyone. ah that's better. What was I supposed to be doing oh yeah "get a job el bummo." Nah. Let me dream a little longer. I like to pretend that the big breakthrough is just around the corner, it might actually be, but it just has not hit me yet. Plusses for getting a job include more money and meeting nice chicks, behond that I'm finding it hard to see why oh well more thoughts of this nature again tommorow or 2 weeks from now or never the choice is mine.
Life is just as sweet as bird song.